Pain, By Definition
by Sara6
Summary: Alternate POV of the events leading up to "Fiction." Lots of Maria angst.


Pain, By Definition

**Pain, By Definition**

  
Title: Pain, By Definition  
Rating: PG  
Summary: Maria sees more than anyone else is aware. Alternate POV of the events leading up to "Fiction." Sort of a prequel, sort of not.  
Notes: And yet another angst fic. Too much stress = no more happy endings.  


"I've been chasing a lie  
I was sold  
Running down thieves  
and fool's gold..."  
Fool's Gold  
*Bree Sharp*  


They think I don't see it, how they look at each other. How could I not? I'm not blind, and even if I were I know I'd still hear it in their voices. The way they speak to each other, like no one else matters. My boyfriend, my best friend. They love each other. I love them. I can't take it.  


He looks at her like he never looked at me. Like he wants nothing more than to hold her, be with her forever. They're in love, but I don't think they realize it yet. They will someday, I'm sure of it, and I hope I'm gone by the time that happens.  


Before I go on, I need you to understand something. I don't blame them. Oh, it would be so easy to hate them for loving each other, to hate them for betraying me every time their eyes lock. I can't do that. I know better than anybody that you can't control who you're attracted to. Sometimes, it's just fate, unavoidable and ironic as all hell. I am merely an observer in this game, silent and numb.  


It's been going on since the beginning, I'm fairly sure of that. Looking back now, I don't know how I could have not noticed the shy glances, the penetrating stares. They were attracted to each other, when we were all together even I felt the magnetism, though I chose to ignore it. What else could I do? I was in love, or lust, or maybe just adolescent infatuation.  


Now things are ending. We've graduated, and for the large part we're going our separate ways. I'm going to UCLA, Max and Isabel are going to NYU, Michael is staying here, Liz is going to Smith. I think Kyle is prepping to follow in his father's footsteps and be a cop. Alex is heading to L.A. to seek fame with the Whits. They got Vicki Delaney to be their singer, can you believe it? Now I think her and Alex have a thang going on. Even Tess is leaving, going to Dartmouth, mostly I think so she can be near Liz. The two of them have become really good friends, it's pretty strange.  


Deep down in my heart, I hope they do something. Michael and Liz, I mean. She can't leave without them having some sort of confrontation. It's inevitable, I accept that. They will collide. I've seen it coming since the beginning of senior year. They became great friends, developing a closeness I envied. Michael learned to open up, and Liz learned to not open up so often. Now they balance each other perfectly, each bringing out the other's strengths. It's beautiful to watch them together. And God, it hurts.  


Even with the knowledge I had of their friendship, I never quite saw the truth until the prom. Michael and I were dancing when Max came up with Liz and asked if he could cut in. So we switched partners, and Max and I danced through the end of the song, and into the next, slow one. My eyes followed Michael and Liz across the dancefloor as they twisted and twirled. Completely natural with each other, like they had identical souls that fit together perfectly. Jealousy rose in my heart, followed by longing, then resignation. They belonged to each other. I didn't even fit in to their world. I held Max tighter. He pressed himself to me, and I knew he saw it too. Pain wrenched me open, threw me down.  


The song ended, they broke apart. Max and I slowly detached from each other, not wanting to face the two of them. They approached us, smiling, happy, walking too close together. Michael grabbed me and pulled me onto the dance floor, and as I spun around I realized it was over. I couldn't keep loving him, not with the knowledge I had gained. I smiled and laughed and wondered how I would break the news.  


But things are different now, changing. With my encouragement, Liz and Michael have become great friends. It's our last night all together like this. Tomorrow, those of us that are leaving will board our planes and get out of Roswell. For now, we are at the Crashdown, dancing and laughing and talking. I'm dancing with Max, Liz is dancing with Tess. Isabel and Alex are having one last longing conversation. I see them leave, barely keeping their hands off each other. Vicky's going to be pissed. I find it rather amusing. It's about time Alex and Isabel got it together. At least they'll have the memories. Tess and Liz watch them leave and giggle. Max is saying something, I'm not sure what. Something about keeping in touch. Of course Max. We'll definitely stay friends. Why wouldn't we? Smile, head toss, look of utter sincerity. Exit stage left.  


Michael enters the room from the kitchen. He looks stunning as always, and I feel the ever-present need, but tamper it down. Not now. Please, not now. So, naturally, it happens now.  


Liz looks at Michael, Michael looks at Liz. Their eyes are locked, suddenly they're the only people in the room. I fight the urge to look away. I can handle this. Liz walks away from Tess with an apologetic smile, Tess looks surprised, but understanding. I make myself keep watching. Liz fairly runs upstairs, murmuring goodbyes to the other partygoers. Michael pauses a moment, smolders, than slowly follows her up. I can't believe after all this time, Liz is going to sleep with my first love. I have no idea how this makes me feel. I turn away as Michael's last steps echo on the stairs. Everything will be okay.  


I'll just keep believing that.  
The End

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   [1]: fiction.html
   [2]: fanfic.html
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